Trying Not To Love You
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: Summery; AU! Sam and Andy meet up in an unexpected way as fate throws them together. A friendship soon evolves between them, but everything they share isn't completely honest. A journey of self-discovery as two lives intertwine when destiny steps in to introduce them.
1. Chapter 1

**Summery; AU! Sam and Andy meet up in an unexpected way as fate throws them together. A friendship soon evolves between them, but everything they share isn't completely honest. A journey of self-discovery as two lives intertwine when destiny steps in to introduce them. **

**Chapter 1- A Step Away. **

The smell of pine and oak radiated from everywhere around her. The warmth of the sun and the tickle of a breeze billowing through her hair made her eyes close as she drifted away from here.

Birds in the distance chirped away, unaffected by the harsh realities of life.

There were a few hushed voices nearby too, but she pushed them out of her mind and allowed the serenity here to swallow her whole.

Approaching footsteps drew her attention away from her happy place and pulled her back to the present; a place she'd been trying so hard to forget.

"You okay?" Dad was there, it was his footsteps that drew her away from where she wanted to be.

"Fine." She opened her eyes and turned to face him as she spoke.

"Ready?" He asked before cringing. They had been down this road many times in the past, and somehow this was always the point that she had used as an escape route. This was the halfway mark that was always used as a point of return.

But not this time.

She nodded and saw pride flash across his face as he smiled her way and she knew that this was the right decision.

Even if this decision had been made for her really, and she had agreed while only half lucid.

Dad swept his hand out in front of him towards the car and she took one last look at the trees that ran the side of the house before she stepped towards what was going to be hell on earth.

The drive felt like it took forever, miles and miles now between her and her childhood home.

But that was the point really, to get away.

To go where no-one knew her. Nobody would look at her and judge her for her chosen actions.

Surrounded by strangers had never really been something that she looked forward to, but now it seemed like it just might be for the best.

When they arrived at their destination Dad got out first and she hovered in her seat taking in the view.

It really was more than she had expected.

There were high-rise cobblestone walls with electric fencing on the top of it. Inside the walls were masses of well kept trees and flowering plants grouped together. They were separated by vast expanses of plush, green grass.

There were a few benches littering the lawn and a fountain off to the side. It created a complete euphoric atmosphere, even if it was unchartered territory.

Dad walked around the car and opened her door, his smile wavering for a split second as she took a deep breath and remained seated.

She took off her seat belt and climbed out, her insides starting to rattle with nerves as her knees turned to jelly.

This was it.

This was the only solution left to her problems.

Dad had retrieved her bags from the trunk of the car and set them down at her feet. He lingered for a moment before stepping closer and wrapping his arms around her. "I'm proud of you Baby-girl." He whispered into her ear.

She pulled away as she felt the warm tears prickle her eyes.

"Me too Dad." She said as she bent down to pick up her bags.

Her stitches pulled, and she winced but she didn't show it. Instead she plastered a grin onto her lips and gave Dad one final look before walking away.

She didn't look back as she ascended the cobblestone stairs that matched the outside walls.

Reaching the top she threw a glance over her shoulder to find her Dad still standing next to the car watching her walk away.

...

Sam took the room in.

It was white, everything was white.

It had no character, no warmth, no homeyness.

It was hard, chiseled in sterileness.

And for now, it was home.

He set his duffle bag down on the bed, the weight of it creasing the neatly made linen.

Oliver looked uncomfortable when Sam caught him watching him intently. He shifted around from foot to foot before dropping his gaze to the floor. Yup, he was uncomfortable and felt guilty.

"I get it." Sam said honestly.

And he did. He understood why this was happening and why Oliver had forced this to happen.

Besides, if Oliver hadn't then he'd probably end up in a gutter somewhere, a needle still stuck in his vein as his last breath fled his body.

"I'm sorry Sammy..." Oliver knew what he was sorry about and what he was apologizing for. Everything leading up to this point had been chaos. There had been a few times that heated words covered harsh lies, and actions that would be considered unforgivable had come in to play. But then, this was them; their friendship spanning across the boundaries that separated them from others on this earth.

Oliver shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Need anything?" He asked out of the blue even if he knew that Sam had everything he needed.

"Nope." Sam tried to hold back on his anger as memories flooded his mind, but it wasn't working out all that well.

"Sam," Oliver cleared his throat as he tried to find the right words but Sam cut him off "Don't."

Oliver nodded then left the room when a face appeared at the door.

It would be three weeks before he was allowed contact with the outside world again so maybe in that time he'd find some way of controlling his anger.

Once Oliver had left, the stranger stepped inside the room. "Left arm." He stated flatly like he too would rather be somewhere else than be here.

Sam tugged up his sleeve and held out his left arm. The stranger who's name tag read Jerry snapped the first plastic bracelet around his arm and secured it fairly tightly. It was white and matched the room, only his name was printed on it in square, black letters. A second followed, a yellow one listing his allergy to penicillin and the name of a Doctor he didn't know.

"I need to search you and your bags now." Jerry said and Sam didn't miss the irony in that.

Here he was to deal with his problems and here Jerry was now pulled into a task that Sam had repeated over and over again on others.

Oh how karma liked to kick you in the ass when you were down.

Sam held his arms up and Jerry patted him down. He then went to Sam's bag and timelessly went about unpacking all its contents onto the bed next to it.

Jerry packed a few items to the side and Sam watched as he finished his search and picked up the items.

"I'm sorry Officer, these can't stay." Jerry waved Sam's razor blades and aftershave up in the air.

Sam's brows furrowed and Jerry stated an explanation "The others..." Well it was a semi-explanation anyway.

"Right." Sam said.

Jerry left after that and Sam set out to pack his clothes away into the built in cupboard.

After that was done, he placed his empty duffle bag on the top shelf of the cupboard and then sat down on the bed and looked out the window.

There wasn't much to see, so his mind took the opportunity to run back in time as he started thinking about what exactly it was that landed him up in this much trouble in the first place.

...

Once inside Andy was warmly greeted and led to the left wing.

She noticed the copious amounts of camera's lining the hallways and the code keypad's on the doors. Security was obviously a high priority here.

They took the stairs up to the second floor and stopped at the third door on the right.

Since arriving Andy had yet to see another person besides the woman that met her at the door and was still with her.

She had introduced herself as Mrs Williams and had allowed her friendliness to invade Andy since she stepped through the door.

Opening the door that they were in front of, Mrs Williams nodded to Andy who stepped inside the room.

The room was empty, apart from a bed and built in cupboard.

There was a window on the left, the view from it obscured by what looked like wire mesh on the outside.

"This is just to start with." Mrs Williams said.

Andy nodded and walked across the small room to put her bags down on the floor beside the bed.

Mrs Williams asked Andy to pack everything out of her bags and onto the bed before she rummaged through the items.

She confiscated some perfume and Andy's razor blades, but managed a smile when she saw a photo and a sketch book with a few charcoal sticks.

"There are some nice places to draw out in the garden." Mrs Williams smiled again.

What was with that? Was it even normal to smile **that** much?

Mrs Williams dumped her confiscated possessions into a clear plastic bag with her name on it and held up two plastic bracelets.

She fastened the white one bearing her name on her wrist first, followed by a red one that had nothing on it. Mrs Williams was careful to secure the bracelets over her bandage, she obviously didn't want to hurt her freshly stitched scar.

She felt her eyes squint at the bracelet, but Mrs Williams patted her arm and reassured her that she was seeing correctly "I'm sorry, that ones for notification of a suicide watch."

She should have winced at the terminology, but she didn't. That was only because the terminology had become a familiar term used in her vocabulary and that of those closest to her.

She nodded in understanding, a feeling of embarrassment escaping her this time. It was usually the case; she'd become embarrassed when someone looked at her wrists, or mentioned food or a meal time. It was mostly shame that would surface, but eventually the embarrassment would bubble to the top.

"We'll start with your program tomorrow, until then unpack and get settled in. You'll get the guided tour before lunch." Mrs Williams smiled again and she cringed inwardly at the mention of the **'lunch'** word.

"Don't worry, you'll get through it." Mrs Williams soothed and Andy felt some comfort in the warmth she heard resonating in the older woman's voice.

Mrs Williams made a slow retreat after that, leaving her to her own device as she unpacked the rest of the items in her bag into the very sturdy looking cupboard. The doors and shelving were constructed of thick wood, thicker than any she had ever seen.

Once everything was neatly packed away, her empty bag went up onto the top shelf on its own. Taking a deep breath, she took a seat on the edge of the small bed and let her mind wander into a time filled with tranquility and bliss.

...

Sam was not amused.

Not in the least bit.

The tremors took over before he remembered to expect them, the involuntary movements annoying and frustrating him more than anything else.

The fiery burn that claimed his insides more frequently in recent history returned with vengeance, the pain more intense than he remembered it being.

As if sensing his sudden change, an orderly appeared at his side as his feet failed to navigate the white walled hallway with the ease that should have been second nature.

"Easy there Buddy." The orderly said as he gave Sam the once over while Sam braced the wall with his hand and gave up hope of taking another step.

Persuading his mind to leave the present Sam focused his attention on the face in front of him, a crop of dark hair covering a face close in age to his own.

Sam knew that they guy who's name tag read Jones worked here because of well, the name tag and the dark blue golf shirt that he wore. Sam had seen a few of them worn by people milling the hallways as he took himself on a tour of his temporary new home. Jerry had the same shirt on too.

Sam nodded and let go of the wall, some normalcy returning to his body. Although his body still ached, he knew that he had to push past it and keep his head in the game, keep his mind set on keeping straight.

"So, I'm Paul," the stranger extended his hand towards Sam in greeting, a flash of a smile tracing its way over his still hesitant face. He was trying to get a read on Sam, and wasn't succeeding.

"Sam," he answered and moved to walk away, another searing burn pulling through his organs.

Sam took the strangers offer of taking a seat for a moment and sat down on the chairs that lined the hallway close to where they stood. Paul didn't actually tell Sam to sit down, but a small look in the direction of them was enough to communicate the words silently.

Sam looked up and down the hallway, no people to occupy his mind as the heat seared through him and reminded him that there was a long road ahead of him.

It wasn't the first time that he'd been down this road- only difference was that the last time had been easier.

*******Thank for reading!**

**So this is a tester chapter- let me know if you want more?**

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**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


	2. Tainted

**Thank you all for the amazing response as always! **

**Thanks to the regulars & kelly2727 & welcome to the newbies!**

**Here's more...**

**Chapter 2- Tainted. **

A guided tour turned into walk around the garden as Mrs Williams handed her over to a girl close to her age.

Mrs Williams had called the blonde over after Andy spent the lunch hour picking at her plate of food while avoiding conversation from the others in the dining room. She hadn't even shared interest in associating with anyone.

Before she left her room, she had slid on a hoodie even if the weather was warm. It was to use the long sleeves to hide her red bracelet and her bandages when the embarrassment met her full force when she was left on her own.

Gail, as the blonde was named was anything but polite, and sweet. She was what you could dub as highly strung and seriously dense.

On their tour Gail had pointed out various places, the library, the laundry room, the infirmary and chapel. There was a gym, a tennis court and basket ball court, as well as a rectory that housed ping pong, pool, chess tables and various other things to occupy yourself with. After that Gail took Andy out into the sunshine where Andy was able to see her features in pure light rather than the fluorescent beams that had radiated on them inside.

Gail had dark black rings under her eyes, and Andy knew that she too had the same visible signs that screamed lack of sleep under her own brown orbs.

Gail took a slow stride and stopped at one point to stare off into the distance as she let her own demons chase her during waking hours.

"You don't smoke, do you?" Gail asked when Andy stood next to her and stared at the fountain as it overflowed.

"Nope." Andy replied suddenly wishing that she did for some odd reason. Gail looked like she could really use a cigarette.

"Yup, didn't think so." Gail turned to give Andy a look that gave her the chills. Her eyes were cold and empty, no emotion and no soul behind them as they looked at Andy. She'd obviously been through some hard times if that was how she saw the world.

Gail moved on, Andy lingering where she stood. She watched Gail leave her side and join up with a guy that seemed to step out of a rock music video as he dragged on a cigarette and watched them. He gave Andy a look and a small smile over Gail's shoulder. He just looked scary, but acted like he could be really tame and pleasant.

Just went to show how deceiving appearances could be.

He, compared to Gail seemed to have more of a zest for life. He at least looked like there was some fire in him, even though he had a striking form that most likely deterred people from venturing close.

Andy left Gail with the creepy dude and wandered on her own.

The gardens were really nice, vast expanses of colored petals blooming on green stems.

Andy glanced around when she saw others, her mind automatically scrutinizing the figures of the strangers as she saw them.

She tried to imagine what they were like as normal people, what they did for a living and where they lived. She even entertained thoughts of who was waiting at home for them to return a changed person.

Taking a seat on a bench under the shade of an oversized tree Andy kept her watchful eyes on the people that milled around.

They varied in age, and shape, and there was no single ethnic race. There were no similarities between any of them, well except the reason behind their presence here.

Andy briefly tried to suss the reason behind each persons presence here; the middle aged woman in the floral dress was probably in for alcoholism. The younger woman that talked and walked with her was in the middle of detox. She looked kind of paranoid. At the far end of sight was a guy in his mid to late twenty's, he was probably here for any number of reasons. Then he stopped walking and pulled up the pipe of his jeans to reveal a prosthetic leg- nope he was in for post traumatic stress and possibly physiotherapy to learn to walk with his new limb. He held on tightly to his crutches so the limb was really new.

To her left were two staff members, each wearing a navy blue golf shirt the same as Mrs Williams'. It was easy to guess why they were here- the paycheck. Neither the man or woman seemed happy to be here, but then again who would want to see the things that they probably saw?

Shifting her gaze to the right, Andy found no-one there to occupy her mind as she sat and let the final strains of the warm weather sweep her away.

Sam stared at the glass rimmed eyes as they stared back at him. They were clad in black and white horned-rimmed frames, eyes watching him as though they were looking through him rather than at him.

The couch was comfortable, maybe too comfortable but he guessed it was meant to help make you feel just that- comfortable.

His shrink was a new heart shaped face, with blonde hair that shimmered in the fluorescent beams. It gave away the fact that her hair was actually naturally light brown and that she colored it to cover the streaks of grey that came with age.

She had mesmerizing green eyes that warmed her face up as she looked at you expectantly after asking a question. It almost made you answer.

"So, it's been what, eight months since your last rehab?" She repeated the question and Sam had no idea why she even asked it if all the info she needed was in the file in her hand.

"Why so long?" She added and that grabbed his attention.

"So long?" He repeated, his eyebrows raising.

"Between episodes."

Episodes, right.

He didn't have episodes, he had moments of weakness.

"You work Undercover Officer, with Guns and Gangs, so you're obviously exposed to temptation on prolonged assignments. But yet, it took you eight months to relapse?" She posed it as a question again hoping that he would give her more.

"Sometimes you find a way to stay clean, sometimes you can't find an excuse."

She gave him a pointed look that made him think of his six grade teacher Mrs Wood. She'd give you the same pointed look when you annoyed her.

"Sometimes your mark will require you to sample the product to prove that you're not a cop. Sometimes if you don't, then there's no way out except in a body bag." He cleared up. She didn't look taken back in the least by his explanation.

"Officer Swarek," she paused a moment to remove her glasses.

"The reason that the department sends Officers here is because I don't freak out when I get some spicy intel." She folded her glasses up and set them down on the armrest of her chair.

"I've dealt with so many cases where people have lost themselves in the field, some in worse ways than what you have. I don't squirm, and I don't judge. I also don't tell, not even the department. The only thing that they need to know is if and when you're capable of returning to active duty."

She was scrutinizing him again, he could feel it and he found himself wondering how many times she'd given the same speech before.

"That's the way it works. You meet with me twice a week and we talk, or you talk. As you noticed I don't take notes, for obvious reasons, but once we've been over a segment of your life it's time to move past it and onto the next one. But to do that, you need to want to move on, so perhaps on Thursday you'll be willing to share?"

Sam nodded, this time she had taken the lead after spending forty minutes trying to drag just about anything out of him.

Sam found his feet and left the room, this was going to be allot harder than he thought because of the fact that he hated talking.

It was part of the reason that he was so damned good at his job.

Andy made her way back inside after sitting on the bench alone for some time.

Gail had left with the guy she seemingly knew, so Andy was content to make her way back while giving herself some time to have the rest of the guided tour on her own.

The place was huge, and you could easily get lost but you would inevitably find your way back.

After she found herself in the library she contemplated finding something to read, but that had been something she'd done years ago so she decided against it and made her way back to her room.

She found an itinerary on the floor when she opened the door, the paper neatly slid in under the wood in her absence.

7:30am Breakfast

8:30am Phsyciatrist appointment

11:00am Pottery Class

Pottery Class?

Seriously?

The itinerary was only for one day, so she assumed it was either for every day or just for tomorrow.

The rest of the times were mostly freed up, only meal times were stated at set times.

Meal times- something that had become the bane of her existence since...

Well since her life came crashing down around her.

Glancing down at the paper in her hand, she reflected over what she'd already missed today- which was namely everything up to lunch time. She had only arrived a little before ten-thirty so that was understandable.

As she set the itinerary down a soft knock on her half open door startled her.

"It's just me." Mrs Williams reappeared wearing her smile that was becoming a very familiar sight.

"Do you like the garden?" She asked and Andy nodded.

"That's just for the rest of this week." Mrs Williams stated while looking in the direction of the paper that Andy had just set aside.

Andy noticed the file in Mrs Williams hand and guessed it was hers as she lifted it up. "But first, we need to have your stitches removed in the infirmary."

Andy's hand moved to the edge of her hoodie's sleeve unconsciously. She was only aware of it when she caught herself having already done it.

"It's been Seven days, so it's time for them to come out." Mrs Williams turned and left the room, Andy following with hesitant steps.

"Ever had stitches before?" Mrs Williams leaned in and asked her as they navigated the hallways.

"Nope."

"Don't worry about it, you'll be fine. It doesn't hurt when they come out."

When they reached the infirmary Mrs Williams held the glass door open and Andy stepped in to the pungent smell of disinfectant.

They went through a second door and Andy was amazed by what she saw.

The room was blocked from view by the second wooden door and huge smoked glass windows and it was certainly like stepping into another world.

The room had four hospital beds in it, with curtains between each of them. Each bed was equipped with a heart monitor and an IV stand.

There was a crash cart in the corner and it looked like a regular ER in miniature form.

A door opened and a Doctor appeared, he barely looked older than Andy.

"My one-thirty." He smiled as Mrs Williams handed him Andy's file.

"Take a seat, just pick one." He swept his hand out across the room towards the beds and Andy found herself wanting to actually sit down.

She complied and sat on the second bed, Mrs Williams pushing a trolley table closer.

The Doctor pulled a chair closer and set down a try of utensils before spraying his hands with disinfectant and snapping on a pair of rubber gloves.

He sat down on the chair and gave her a wink before ushering her to pull her sleeves up.

His hands were masterful in unwrapping her bandages, his face holding little back when he saw the stitches that he'd be removing.

"What's the other guy look like?" He joked as he picked up what looked like a combination between scissors and tweezers.

Andy gave him a timid smile, she knew the seriousness of what she'd done because she had heard the conversation that her Dad had; had with the Doctor in the ER when he'd found her.

_'She isn't looking for attention Detective McNally, those cuts were meant to inflict some serious damage and they did. If you hadn't found her when you did, she wouldn't be here.'_

_'I know that.'_

_'She needs help.' _

_'I know, but I don't know what to do anymore. She's just lost, she'll bounce back.'_

_'It's been a year and this is the end result. I'm sorry to say this, but it's time you look into getting her the help she needs because next time she might not be as lucky as she was tonight.'_

"All done, want a candy bar?" The voice in the present drew her back and she looked down to find both arms clear of the stitches.

"No thanks." Andy replied and pulled her sleeves down to hide the marks that still stained her pale skin.

Just as Andy found her feet and repositioned her clothes, the door that led outside flew open to reveal two blue golf shirts and a bed rolling into the room.

Mrs Williams immediately stepped up between Andy and the new occupants, the room flowing into flawless motion.

It was like watching a play, each and every person knowing exactly what to do as they each played their roll.

The Doctor scooted around to the side of the bed and started assessing the guy on it with precision.

The orderly across from him was talking rapidly, but clear as crystal as he ran down the events that led them to be in this moment.

Andy heard the tale of how the guy and managed to find a razor blade somewhere and how he'd slit his wrist before another admitee found him and called for their attention.

Looking up Andy found dark eyes staring at the scene from the doorway, the feint traces of blood on hands that trembled limply at his sides.

"Get her out." The Doctor barked when he remembered her presence and Mrs Williams was suddenly at her side leading her by the shoulders from the room.

As Andy passed the bed she couldn't stop herself from looking as she saw the red stain the sheet and turn it crimson.

It made her feel sick.

As they glided through the door Andy saw more blue golf shirts come running down the hallway towards them, the face baring the bloodied hands standing to one side as he seemed to be focused on what he'd just found.

Andy was let go and Mrs Williams took the stranger to a door to their right before coming back with a spray bottle and some swabs. She too entered the room behind the door before she emerged and Andy heard her name.

From where she was standing she still had full view of the guy on the bed through the open door, her full attention focused on him as sickening as the sight was.

There had been a time that she had wondered where that amount of blood came from, if everyone would bleed out so much from a similar cut to a similar place, and here and now she had her answer.

She heard her name, once twice, and then felt the strange sensation of floating before she saw tiny silver stars and felt a warm sensation sweep through her...

Sam had no idea what would make someone want to do that to themselves.

He'd left his shrink appointment and was heading for the library when he made a stop at the bathroom on this floor, at the opposite end of the hallway.

He heard a slight wince and then a few seconds later a heavy thud.

Looking in under the closed bathroom stall door he saw a body on the floor with blood splatters next to it.

He called for help down the hallway before going back in the bathroom to jimmy the door lock, pull the body out and apply pressure to the wound on the guy wrist.

He followed the gurney to the makeshift hospital and now he was in a bathroom washing blood off his hands.

Glancing up in the mirror Sam scooped up some water with his hands and dropped his face into the clear liquid. He'd cleaned them and then sprayed the disinfectant on before splashing the water on his face, but his hands still felt tainted.

Leaving the bathroom he made it into the hallway just in time to see the girls knees wobble before they buckled and she fell.

If she had been another foot away, he wasn't sure that he would have caught her in time, but he managed too.

The woman beside her gave him a thankful look as he shifted the girl around and scooped her up under her knees and her shoulders.

The woman led the way and he followed ignoring the curious stares as every set of eyes that saw them and was accompanied by a gasp or a whisper.

The woman opened a door and motioned inside so Sam entered the room and gently lay the unconscious girl down.

He took a moment to take her face in before the woman cleared her throat. As Sam stepped past her she said a genuinely heartfelt "Thank You." After that he left the room to make sense of what had just happened.

*******Thanks for reading!**

**Anyone want to guess where this is going?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


	3. Time Alone

**Hello again, thank you all for the awesome response to this little thought!**

**Thanks to kelly2727, the regulars & the Rookie Blue Fan Pages on facebook!**

**Special thanks to all the girls on Twitter! You guys rock!**

**So, how was everyone's Christmas?**

**Chapter 3- Time Alone. **

Andy jerked awake, her own body startling her as her eyes flew open and she found herself surrounded by white.

Lots and lots of white.

"You're okay."

Shifting her eyes around Andy found Mrs Williams in a chair beside her bed, another bed behind her.

She was in a different room, hers only had one bed.

"Have a good sleep?"

"Um?" Andy sat up and noticed that beyond the window dusk had come and gone; it was dark outside.

She sat up and stretched her limbs, they felt stiff and taunt.

"I got you another room." Mrs Williams stated the obvious.

"With a roommate." She seemed to be holding back something when she said that, like she wasn't telling Andy everything. She was smiling, but there was something that she was hiding.

"She'll be up after dinner. You hungry?"

Andy shook her head as she began recalling what happened earlier.

Her stitches...

The door flying open...

All the blood...

"I'll get them to bring you some bottles of water and some hot chocolate and cookies."

"Coffee." Andy said the word before she could help herself. She loved coffee. Realizing how bad that sounded she added a "Please."

"How's the...um?" Andy left it there as she looked down at her hands. She remembered coming out of the infirmary and then nothing.

"You fainted." Mrs Williams said standing up.

She didn't say another word about what happened, she just crossed the room bound for the exit.

"Mrs Williams?" Andy called as the woman touched the door handle.

"Is he okay?" She just had to know, she couldn't get the image out of her head and needed to close this chapter before it ate her alive.

"Noelle, just Noelle." She left after that and even if she didn't answer Andy's question, Andy knew the answer.

No, he wasn't okay.

Andy opened the cupboard in front of her bed to find all her items neatly packed into it. They were packed almost identical to the way that she had packed them in the other room.

She took out the items that she needed and went in search of a long, hot shower.

She found it two doors down from her new room which was handy.

She slid her flipflops on and stepped in under the spray of water ready to wash the harshness of today away.

The bathroom was immaculate.

It was sparkling clean and smelled like jasmine.

When she was done in the shower Andy twisted her towel around her still wet hair and went back to her room.

"Oh, you're here." A cheery voice said as soon as Andy stepped into the room. The voice was accompanied with vigorous hand clapping as a girl found the moment of her arrival exciting.

"I'm Chloe," she pulled her hands apart and held one out to Andy then decided against it. She ended up pulling Andy in for a hug as she babbled "Nice to meet you." into her ear.

Great, that was all she needed- Little Miss Sunshine as a roommate.

No wonder Mrs Williams hadn't told her- the girls bubbly nature was what she'd been hiding.

Sam sat on the bench in the dark more than a little content for the quiet that surrounded him.

He spent the solitude reflecting over his first few hours here and came to the conclusion that it was going to be a long stay. A very, very long stay.

He didn't agree with Oliver's ideology that he needed to be here, there were people that needed to be here more than what he needed to be, and his presence now resulted in the feeling that he was depriving someone from a chance to heal.

He guessed that a place like this had a waiting list to get in, and in less than ten minutes Oliver had been able to pull some strings and use his resourcefulness to find Sam a way to the top of the list with immediate effect.

With the overhead trees leaves whipping in the wind Sam let his mind try and work through the day as he had become accustomed to doing. It was his way of working through the bad and letting off steam. It was also probably why he was able to keep everything in, and didn't ever talk much.

He'd arrived and accepted his fate to be here. He'd witnessed a small display of pride on Oliver's face before he left and realized that his friend was proud of him for taking the bull by the horns and accepting help.

They often said that the first step to recovery was admitting that there was a problem.

And so, here he was.

Oliver had shown up unexpectedly, while on shift and caught Sam in a compromising position. And in possession of a rather illegal substance that Sam couldn't explain his way out of.

They'd had a long chat, or rather Oliver did and then Sam had asked him one simple question "What am I supposed to do?"

Oliver had made the arrangements and driven Sam down here the next morning after spending the night on his couch keeping tabs on him.

They'd arrived a little after Nine am and the day had just gone downhill from there.

He remembered the girl that had fainted at the sight of blood, a rather common occurrence. She would probably be more than a little embarrassed when she woke up.

She was young, and really skinny when he picked her up. He was worried that he'd break something on the trip up to her room.

When he lay her down on her bed he saw the faint scars on her wrists and couldn't help but wonder why she would do something like that to herself. She should be in the prime of her life.

Sam blew out a deep breath and shook his head as he leaned forwards and let his elbows rest on his knees.

Who was he to judge?

Judgmental behavior was kind of ironic in this situation. She'd probably judge him too.

The sound of approaching footsteps made Sam turn his head up in the direction of it to find Jerry approaching.

"Hiding in the dark?" Jerry joked as he invited himself to sit down next to Sam.

"You missed dinner." Jerry added as though he had been assigned as Sam's keeper.

"Wasn't hungry." Sam stared straight ahead and left the conversation there.

"I'm sorry about the kid, but you can't save them all." Jerry sounded genuinely remorseful.

"It happens." Sam shrugged. What more could he say than that after he watched a seventeen year old kid die because he didn't want to live anymore. Jerry had filled him in a few minor details about the kid when he came to check on Sam after word got around about what had happened before Sam came out here.

"Doesn't mean it should."

Sam turned to Jerry who mirrored his stance and gazed out into the darkness.

"He was just one of the unlucky ones." Jerry stood up after speaking and soon Sam watched him disappear into the dark like a shadow.

The guy certainly was a little weird.

Constant babbling about this and that continued out of her mouth like it was never going to end.

Andy tried to chip in here and there but she just couldn't get a word in edge ways with Chloe's constant rambling.

Maybe on any day other than today Andy would have found Chloe's enthusiasm refreshing. But today it was just annoying and irritating.

Half the time Chloe didn't even make sense to anyone other than herself.

Slipping off her bed Andy got Chloe to be quiet for a split second so she mumbled a "I need to go..." and threw her thumb over her shoulder. She had no idea what she needed to do, but she had to leave.

She needed air.

Andy got to the end of the hall to find doors that she hadn't noticed earlier now closed and locked.

Letting out a sigh, she had the urge to scream. There was nothing worse than feeling caged when you were actually locked in.

"You need a pass to go out after dark." A voice came from behind her and startled her. Even though she knew that she was safe, she was just jumpy.

"Doctor," Andy said feeling her cheeks flush.

"Miss McNally." He came closer and leaned towards her, his hand keying in the code needed to unlock the doors.

Andy stepped through them and gave him an appreciative smile. He had no idea how good she felt now that she was able to leave the stuffy room.

"I'll bring her back." The Doctor told a golf shirt as they passed what could be considered a nurses station.

"Late rounds?" Andy asked feeling like she needed to say something.

"Something like that." He replied.

They walked a while, Andy leading the way until they were outside and she stopped and sat down on the stairs.

He joined her and looked rather amused by actually doing it.

"She too much?"

"Oh right, Chloe. She's... Something." Andy let out a giggle. Chloe sure was something, and more.

"Sorry about that, but we didn't want you alone." The Doctor said and Andy experienced a serious downer mood wise.

"I'm sorry Doctor..." Andy returned his apology with one of her own. She was sorry that he couldn't save the kid who had looked so young.

"Nick."

"Sorry?"

"The tag says Doctor Nick, but it's just Nick."

"Okay." Andy let it out on a low breath. She really didn't get it.

"The tags just for visitors and admitees- patients and new staff. I'm a Doctor and my name is Nick Collins so, it's Doctor Nick."

"Okay." Andy repeated. Now she got the DR Nick on his tag.

Pretty informal.

"So, what do you think so far?" Doctor Nick swept his hand out in the air in front of him. He was gesturing at the place and looking for small talk.

"It's nice."

"Nice?" He chuckled. It wasn't a word often used to describe this place often was it?

"Yup." Andy stood up and moved to leave. "Thanks for the pass." She said before spinning around and reaching for the door.

Doctor Nick was faster than she was and his hand pulled it open. She stepped through it and his strides met hers as he walked her back to the second floor.

"I can manage?" She said halfway up the first flight of stairs.

"The pass has rules Miss McNally, but you'll graduate to the first floor soon enough." Doctor Nick kept walking with her until she reached the nurses station and was buzzed back into her wing.

"Goodnight Miss McNally." She heard called out to her just before the door closed behind her causing a sense of dread to fill her.

It was stupid that after all this time, that feeling just wouldn't leave her alone.

*******Thanks for popping in! **

**Hope you enjoyed?**

**See you soon,**

**Jbj. **


	4. When Demons Wake You

**Time for more, so hold on here goes...**

**I must apologize for a long absence, but we had a close friend commit suicide so its been a depressing 3 weeks, as the suicide has turned into a murder investigation. I also have kids that have been athletics & chess so life's been busy. **

**Hopefully life levels out now!**

**Chapter 4- When Demons Wake You. **

Day two started off a little better than day one had.

Sam grabbed a shower in peace and quiet before anyone else was awake. It was four-thirty so everyone besides the staff were still in lala land.

He actually had to go and ask one of the orderly's to unlock the bathroom so that he could shower which seemed a little strange until he saw the mirrors and remembered the kid from yesterday.

It was just a precaution, after all- they were glass mirrors.

After his shower Sam checked out of his wing and went for an early morning run, which turned into a bad idea halfway through. The sun was barely up, and he had to do some promising to get let out, but eventually he was allowed out when the doors were unlocked.

He'd started with a slow pace after a brisk walk and some stretching and let his body adjust to the vigorous strain because it had been quite a while since he'd taken a run.

Too long in fact.

At first he thought that the pain in his leg was a cramp, then the jitters started and he stopped running.

He started to walk and then gave up on that too and eventually he was just standing.

"Cramp?" Jerry asked as he slowed his pace and stopped next to Sam.

The guy was like Houdini, disappear, reappear.

"Something like that." Sam spat it out between clenched teeth as the pain intensified. His insides were starting to feel like they were being ripped out through his naval, nausea rising in his stomach.

"Detox?"

Sam nodded. No point in hiding the blatantly obvious to a professional.

"Meds?"

This time Sam shook his head. He was doing this cold turkey and without being weaned off the stuff.

"You have balls Brother." Jerry patted Sam on the shoulder and then picked up his pace and left Sam standing there alone.

What a jerk.

Sam took a few steps and then just parked his ass on a patch of grass when he couldn't anymore. He had overdone the run and the adrenaline had probably spiked his body into crashing.

Seeing movement somewhere in the distance Sam tried to focus on it and he could swear that Jerry was coming back at a walk with a wheelchair.

"No way Man." Sam stuttered out as he found his feet.

There was no way that he was getting into the wheelchair.

"Take a walk, or I'll give you a ride." Jerry shrugged and Sam started walking back to the building that he had left behind on such a high note.

They entered the building with Jerry still managing to hold the door open for Sam and push the wheelchair through it at the same time.

When Sam was about to take a detour from Jerry, Jerry shook his head and gave the hallway a look. The board at the end said infirmary.

"Not happening." Sam gave Jerry a dimpled grin that hid several choice words behind it. He didn't want to see the inside of that room ever again, especially with memories from yesterday still so fresh in his mind.

"Just.." Sam patted the air in front of himself.

He sighed mentally and stopped the motion of his hand.

Seeing the wall clock overhead Sam took stock of the time, it was only Five-forty-five am.

He felt the familiar sting of the withdrawal creeping into his gut and hissed out a groan before abandoning Jerry where he stood and bounding up the stairs.

The nausea came in flashes and usually accompanied the sting so he wanted to be close to the bathroom in case he needed it. He could hear Jerry following but carried on until he reached his floor and took a right turn.

As he came around the corner a high pitched scream sounded down the hallway and turned his blood cold.

Jerry reached the top of the stairs and looked at Sam expectantly, he wasn't sure of the direction it came from.

A buzz of activity in the opposite direction had both Sam and Jerry moving down the hallway to a door that was locked.

Jerry keyed in a code and the door buzzed open, their feet coming to an abrupt halt when a woman emerged from the room.

"She's okay, just a nightmare." The woman said and the crowd began to disperse.

Several onlookers appeared all wearing concerned faces.

Jerry nodded towards Sam and as he turned to leave he saw the same girl from yesterday leaving the room that the scream had emanated from. A second later another girl emerged with a woman who had her arm wrapped around her as she cried for whatever reason. She was clearly distraught over whatever demons had been chasing her in her dreams.

Sam paused, his physical pain forgotten as the girl looked up at him from across the hall, her eyes darker than he could have ever imagined.

She looked positively sad, although there was something about her that had his attention focused on her.

She was of average height, and had shoulder length brown hair, a Plane Jane as often described by most. But what stood out about her was her presence.

Her presence was deep and intense.

She broke eye contact first and looked down, so Sam stepped away and returned to his room leaving Jerry to stay or follow as he pleased.

He followed and Sam found him lurking in his room as he looked up from where he sat on the edge of his bed.

Jerry leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest and stood there.

"You should get something for that." He advised Sam who found his clenched knuckles turning white.

The withdrawal had turned back on now that he had time to think about it, and it only came back twice as fierce as it had been a few minutes ago.

"Not this time." Sam managed to say before deciding to lay back down and to try and sleep it off.

Not that; that ever worked.

"She's going to be fine." Noelle said as she handed Andy coffee from the nurses coffee cart.

She had come up when she heard about Chloe, she was Chloe's sponsor.

"She's just a little..fragile." Noelle said and Andy felt like she knew Chloe well.

They took their coffees and began to walk with no particular destination in mind. It was still too early for breakfast but Andy was used to being up this early and really glad that she could have coffee.

"So, any siblings?" Noelle asked the mundane question and Andy sensed that she was seeking more than just the answer to that question. She was trying to get into her mind.

"Nope, just me and my Dad."

Noelle didn't question the answer, didn't take it further than what Andy had given her. Not that there was more to tell.

"I have a sister." Noelle said out of the blue. Andy really hadn't expected that answer.

"She live around here?"

"In the city."

"She'll be fine Andrea. She's just working through her issues the way she knows how. That's why she talks so much." Noelle left off in a slight laugh, the conversation back on the subject of Chloe.

"Yeah, you're right." Andy said before they stopped walking when the topic of conversation made an appearance.

"Hey, you okay?" Andy stepped closer to Chloe who was still looking a little pale and shaken.

Chloe reached out and took the cup of coffee that Andy had in her hand and took a sip.

"Yes, I'm sorry about that." She wrinkled her nose up and handed Andy the cup back. "That's not nice coffee." She said before shrugging and walking passed them.

Wow, Chloe sure was way more than just a little something.

Sam rolled over and avoided opening his eyes at all costs.

He had tried to go back to sleep, but at the moment sleep was a myth.

He'd honestly admit that going cold turkey was the hardest way of getting clean, but Jerry had been right when he said it took a pair.

He'd skipped breakfast and whatever else was on his itinerary and just stayed in bed hoping that he'd feel better without having to ask for something.

The sound of heels coming down the hall and then abruptly halting when they reached his room told him that someone had requested the presence of his shrink.

And that someone most likely had a nametag that read Jerry.

The door closed but Sam didn't respond. He knew how bad he looked right now, so she'd have to let it slide. The smell of her perfume confirmed her presence, but he'd guessed that already. She was the only one he'd seen wearing heels here.

Sam heard a piece of paper tear, and then the door opened and the heels left.

She didn't even say a word.

Sometime later Sam woke up and found a cold breakfast waiting for him. There was also a prescription with an evaluation by the doctor request scribbled onto it.

Sam skipped the breakfast that had been brought up to his room after having missed going down for it earlier, and only found the courage to stomach the juice that came with it.

So much for having a good start to the day.

He went down the hall to wash his face again, the need to feel clean surfacing.

He checked the time and found that he had fifteen minutes to make his appointment with the Doctor because Dr Heels had so graciously scribbled a time under the assessment request. In layman's terms, she'd already set an appointment for him.

He found the infirmary with ease.

The Doctor was the same one as yesterday and Sam couldn't help but feel the creeps about being back in the room where the kid died yesterday.

"Take a seat." The Doctor said and Sam perched himself on the end of the first bed.

Over the next half an hour the doctor checked Sam's pulse and examined his ears, nose and throat. He listened to Sam's lungs and tested his reflexes.

And then he pulled up a chair, held a pen and piece of paper and sat down in front of Sam.

"Any history of cancer, diabetes, or respatory disorders in your family?"

Sam shook his head and the Doctor made a mark on the page in his hand.

"Any recent alcohol or drugs used?"

Sam didn't answer.

"In the last week?"

Sam nodded and the Doctor frowned.

"Can you narrow that down?"

Okay, well he was real polite.

"Forty-eight to sixty hours ago." Sam said dryly.

"Name the drug."

Sam gave him a harsh look and in turn the Doctor marked the page again.

"How often?"

Sam still didn't say a word.

"Needles? When was the last time you had an AIDS test?"

Sam heard himself growl, the involuntary noise escaping him before he could muzzle it.

"Okay, so no needle sharing?"

What was this Doctor? Did he want his shoe size too? Sam understood that they needed certain information in order to treat him properly but seriously- how much did he have to divulge?

"Okay, here's a prescription to help with the DT's and the withdrawal. Give it to your in-house sponsor and they'll take care of it. Drink plenty of fluids if you're not eating. If you show any signs of crashing let them page me." The Doctor held the page out and Sam tried to decipher the handwriting but it was futile. He couldn't read the scrawled words at all.

The Doctor nudged Sam towards the door leaving Sam feeling like he was intruding where he shouldn't be.

"Take it easy." The Doctor slapped Sam on the shoulder and Sam took it as his cue to leave.

Walking away Sam actually found himself grateful for the Doctors help. Even though he'd essentially been a jerk, the Doctor had still helped him when he could have easily turned him away.

Andy sat at a corner table with Chloe after having taken a fresh coffee, a juice, and a few pieces of fruit from the breakfast buffet that was served.

She had been expecting Captain Crunch or Oatmeal, but was pleasantly surprised by the choice that had been spread out.

There was Oatmeal, but there were also steaming hot trays of bacon, egg, fried tomato and even pancakes set out.

Chloe had her plate piled high with an assortment of hot servings, minus the Oatmeal, and she had added a side plate of fruit and yogurt making Andy wonder if she was going to finish the lot.

They made small talk between bites and Andy saw another side of Chloe that was really calm and not as wired as her other side.

Sensing motion beside her Andy looked up to find Gail next to her looking slightly off as she held her tray and stood there.

"Going to join us?" Chloe asked in a tone that came from her bouncy side and Gail slid down into the vacant chair beside Andy without even answering.

"So, they're still keeping you huh?" Chloe asked Gail making Andy look between the two.

"Well, if you were as awesome as I am, you'd be fun company too." Gail said it with a smile and Andy was completely lost to how the sarcasm could drip from those words and Chloe could return her smile like she meant it to be warm and fluffy.

Chloe gave Gail a strange look and Gail groaned before sliding her tray forward and letting her head drop onto the table with a sigh "I asked Noelle to keep me another month."

"Why would you do that? Oh right, you'd miss my fun company and perky personality wouldn't you?" Chloe chimed and Gail sat up straight to give her a cold stare. It did nothing to stop the giggle flowing from the redhead.

"You're done and you asked to stay?" Andy meddled in the conversation to get confused looks form the other women. She had no idea what the story behind it all was and they had naturally just assumed that she knew.

"Yup, my second and _last_ Eight." Gail said almost proudly but it just confused Andy even more.

"Gail was here before for Eight months too. She swears it's her last." Chloe had a good eye for spotting questions, but then again Andy had a face that easily displayed them.

"Okay. But why stay?"

"My Dad isn't returning my calls and my Mom's in Europe on a conference so I kind of can't go home." Gail picked up her fork and started picking at her plate like she'd rather be somewhere else.

"So you're just staying here?" Andy mumbled. That sounded so sad.

"Yup, my parole requires parental permission so not even my Brother can bump me out."

Andy looked shocked by Gail's statement and it set both Gail and Chloe off into a fit of laughter.

"Her parents are cops and so is her Brother, hence the Parole joke." Chloe said as she leaned over the table and stole two strawberries out of Andy's plate.

"Really? My Dad too."

"Really?" Chloe said like she was debating whether or not to be surprised.

"Where's he based?" Chloe said asking the question that Gail had written on her face.

"Fifteen Division, in the city."

Both women burst out laughing. Apparently they found it funny.

"My Mom was there, now she's a White Shirt." The statement made Gail sigh again and in turn Andy burst out laughing.

The world really was a small place.

*****thanks for reading!**

**Who's still here & wants more?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


	5. Accidental Meetings

**Hello and welcome back!**

**Time for more, so hope you enjoy!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & the awesome Rookie Blue pages on Facebook- (Australia & South Africa)**

**Chapter 5- Accidental Meetings. **

Sam handed Jerry his prescription because the guy just knew how to show up when his presence was necessary.

Jerry gave him a knowing glance like he got what Sam was going through and then he in turn handed Sam a piece of paper.

A new itinerary.

It was different from the one he had yesterday and now featured less free time.

There were the normal filled times, meals, but there was a depressing note on it;

Remembrance Service for Kyle White

10:00am in the Chapel.

Which was right about now.

Sam sighed and looked up when he saw shoes come to stop in front of him.

"You don't have to go, but I know that some of the friends he'd made here would like to thank you for what you did."

It wasn't hard to guess who Kyle was, he was the kid that Sam had found in the bathroom. Jerry hadn't told him the kids name, just that he was seventeen and from a small town outside the city.

"Why's he in here if he's a minor?" Sam asked the question that had been bugging him since he'd seen the kid.

"Minors from the age of sixteen are allowed if they're checked in by a parent or guardian. And also if they've done more than one stint in a juvenile facility. This isn't just an addiction rehab centre though, so it would depend on what they needed." Jerry shrugged. He'd seen way too many kids come through here.

And Sam was guessing that many of them had been treated for a tough addiction of some kind, rather than for rehabilitation.

"We going?" Jerry called over his shoulder halfway down the hall.

Sam fell into step with him even if his feet didn't really want to move.

This was ridiculous.

How did the door even close?

Andy miraculously managed to get herself locked in what appeared to be a janitors closet after she went looking for a bathroom.

Chloe had dragged her to the chapel without telling her why they were going there and the minute that Andy walked in she knew.

There was some kind of service for the kid who...

Andy tried to take a calming breath.

She hated confined spaces, and this space was really cramped.

She had left Chloe's side as soon as she realized what she'd walked into and gone in search of a bathroom needing to get some air and wash her face with some cold water. Besides that, her stomach threatened to revolt against the memories that since yesterday had been surfacing against her will.

Andy found a door and opened it. The room was dark so she took a step inside searching for a light switch to illuminate the room.

The door closed just as she felt something drag across her face. She let out a shriek and her hand flew up to swat it away only to find the pull-string of an overhead light.

Tugging on it she lit the room up and let out a humiliating sigh.

This was so not a bathroom.

The door and been unmarked, so she truly had no idea what it would lead to.

Swallowing hard Andy looked for a place to sit down, but there wasn't one so she let her back find the door and then allowed herself to slide down it until her backside reached the floor.

A few minutes had gone by, and Andy had yet to hear a noise on the other side of the door.

Rocking her neck backwards and forwards Andy gently tapped her head against the wood the silent chant of _why, oh, why_ repeating in her mind.

Sam heard the soft knocking and stopped to investigate as Jerry kept on walking seemingly oblivious to the rapping on wood.

He reached out and turned the door handle, a bundle falling out as soon as the wood gave way.

The mass made a shrieking sound, and Sam stepped back. If he had to be honest he'd admit that it had startled him.

Looking up at him from the floor were dark eyes, matched with a very unamused expression as the girl lay looking up at him.

She sat up and scrambled to her feet, her eyes avoiding making contact as she now bent over and dusted her jeans off.

"Sorry, I..." She stood up straight and Sam recognized her as the girl he'd seen yesterday.

"I'm Sam," he introduced himself trying to hold back a chuckle when he looked over her shoulder and found the inside to be a closet.

It wasn't hard to come up with the assumption that she'd locked herself in there by accident.

"Um," she didn't say anything beyond that, just tugged her sleeves down and held them in the palms of her hands as she sidestepped him.

As she rounded a corner and disappeared from sight Sam was left to watch an empty hall as her display of imbalance left his insides shaking with humor.

He found Jerry after that, sitting off to the side undoubtedly waiting for his return.

There were a few people that stood up in front of the assembled faces to say a few words, while others sat contentedly and listened.

Sam heard a few mention thanks to those that tried to help Kyle, looks passing to the staff that had joined the group and a few wayward glances in Sam's direction.

He was however, more absorbed in watching the brunette that had been in the closet and her friend. A blonde joined them looking like she was bored, and Sam gave up trying to figure the three of them out shortly after that when the chapel was dismissed by the Priest after he said a short prayer.

Sam mingled in the crowd as everyone left the chapel.

His mind strayed to the brown eyes as he tried to figure out where he'd seen them before yesterday because they bore a resemblance to a memory that he couldn't quite place.

"He's still staring." Chloe just had a way with words, not to mention how her volume was always on max.

Andy elbowed her carefully, edging her on to be quiet. She really didn't want any more unwanted attention.

But the guy seemed to be relentless.

He kept staring at her, and she didn't need to look to know it because his gaze came with a feeling of being watched.

"He's hot." Chloe mumbled just as they hit the fresh air and Andy made a beeline for the main building.

As usual, she needed to escape.

...

Yesterday had been a stressful day after having walked into the chapel.

Andy had tried to flush her mind of her past, the haunting memories causing her mood to spiral downwards and into deep, dark territory.

She was running late for her shrink appointment as a result- she had a restless night and managed to finally fall asleep as the birds started chirping.

She had woken up when Chloe poured a glass of cold water out on her. She had cited that she had called Andy several times for breakfast but when she returned after the meal Andy was still sleeping.

Andy raced through the shower and got dressed at warp speed before tearing down the hall to salvage what was left of her appointment.

She had to forgo the minimum number of set appointments in order to upgrade to the next stage of her therapy if she wanted to eventually go home.

Jumping into her sneaker Andy took one hasty step forwards and crashed into oncoming traffic that had escaped her attention because she'd been so focused on getting her foot into her shoe.

"I am so Sam?" She said looking up into the face that had made her fall on her ass yesterday.

Sam looked down at her as he retracted his hands when he felt the tiny body tense up beneath them.

Wait?

She was a Sam too?

"Late." She added before she was gone again leaving Sam to wonder how it was humanly possible to have that much energy wrapped up in such a small frame?

Finally reaching her destination, Andy knocked on the door and opened it to find Dr Phillipou waiting for her.

"Miss McNally," she greeted as Andy made it through the door breathing heavily.

"I overslept." Andy answered as she sat down without waiting for an invitation.

"It's only by ten minutes." The Doctor smiled. She saw that Andy was trying and that she was ready to do this.

"How are you? I heard about Kyle." She just jumped right in there and Andy felt the room shift to depressing and dark.

"I'm... Fine?" Andy regretted the answer as soon as it was out. Answering a question with a question when at an appointment with your shrink probably wasn't the best idea.

"Then why are you questioning yourself?"

Really? Was she that transparent or was she just that observant.

"I have no idea." Andy admitted.

"Was that how it happened with you when your Dad found you?"

In the last week small details of that night emerged, tiny flashed showing themselves every now and then. She'd been blocking it from memory, but slowly the images found their way into her mind.

She'd been drinking.

She didn't have that much really, in fact it was less than she'd had a few times leading up to that night.

She'd spent some time looking at the photo album, the one that was taken on the most bitter-sweet day of her life.

She had had another glass of wine and then she just crashed and hit rock bottom before bursting into flames.

She'd been numb inside for a while, having forgotten what it felt like to feel anything other than nothing.

She had fumbled to set her wine glass down when her eyes had misted over and she misjudged the table and dropped the glass onto the tiled floor.

The glass had smashed, the deep red wine running out along the tiles. She had bent down to pick up the shards of glass, one sharp piece pricking her finger as she reached for it.

That had set off the events that followed;

She'd felt something and briefly entertained what it would be like to feel more.

She remembered the blood gushing out of her wrist and realizing that it was too late to stop it because both wrists were bleeding and she could apply pressure to both simultaneously.

She had the sensation of floating and then coming to a sudden halt. Her face had looked up into that of her concerned Fathers a few moments before she blacked out completely.

"That was really good progress Andy."

Her face must have shown her confusion at the doctors statement.

Had she just said all of that out loud?

"It shows that you've accepted your actions as wrong." The doctor continued.

Andy felt warmth on her cheek, her hand moving up tentatively to find one single shed tear clinging to it.

"It's still early, but I think we're done for today. You did good Andy."

She was in a state of shock as she left the doctors room, or lounge or whatever it was called.

She'd been in there for a total of fifteen minutes and now she felt like it had been hours.

Taking some time to reflect over everything Andy wandered into the garden and found a quiet place to sit down on the grass after grabbing a novel off Chloe's chest of drawers.

She tried to focus on the words as she turned to the first page the opening lines striking a cord.

_To have loved and lost,_

_Is better than to have never loved at all. _

***** Thanks for reading, hope you'll leave a review?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


	6. Meeting The Crazies

**Hello again, thanks for returning & I hope you're ready for more...**

**Chapter 6- Meeting the Crazies. **

_To have loved and lost,_

_Is better than to have never loved at all. _

Andy shut the outside world out and went beyond those two lines as she allowed herself to be pulled into the world of make-believe as written on the delicate paper.

Sometime between the seventh and eighth page, approaching footsteps drew her back to reality and she found legs clad in jeans standing before her.

Holding her hand up over her eyes to shield her vision from the sunshine, she strained her neck and looked up to find her stalker peeing down at her intently.

Letting a sigh escape her, Andy was tempted to ask the guy if he was really stalking her but decided against it. She had no idea why he was here so it was better not to chase up demons.

"Hi," he had his hands in his pockets as he looked down at her. He had a lopsided grin, and she could tell that there were the slight hints of dimples in his cheeks.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" He continued without waiting for her to respond.

"Uh, nope."

Really corny pick up line to be used and she wondered why he even bothered. He didn't need to use any when he looked like he did.

"You sure?" He pressed.

"Yup." Andy dropped her hand and her head and lifted the book up. She pretended to carry on reading.

He stood there for a moment before he was gone again, Andy shaking her head.

There were two kinds of people in this world that found her irresistible the crazies and the geriatric. It was easy to categorize him into one of those two categories because he couldn't be more than five years older than her at most.

As was the norm, the fire returned when it was most unwelcome and of great inconvenience.

Jerry had filled his prescription but Sam had set aside the three tablets that had been served up after breakfast this morning because he was still convinced that he could do this without medication.

Walking briskly in search of Jerry and those tablets, Sam found himself wobbly on his own two feet as he broke out into a cold sweat.

This was where it would take a turn for the worst and things would get bad- when the cold sweats started.

Sometimes they were there the day after he crashed, on other occasions they had come a few days later when the final traces of drugs left his system and he was well and truly dried out.

He'd seen a few strung out junkies crash and burn before they'd even gotten to where he was now, and that had always been a bad sight.

Some freaked out and some just gave up, while some got beyond paranoid and hullucinated themselves closer to death.

Andy looked up to see the stranger who's name she remembered was Sam wobble on his feet before he took a small step and literally crumbled into a heap.

Andy was on her feet and moving, Chloe's well kept book tossed aside carelessly in haste.

Andy saw a few sponsors close by so she called them in a bid to get help for the guy that had done nothing other than seek her attention.

Within seconds there were countless people beside the stranger... Sam as he seemed to writhe on the grass in a manner that almost resembled a fit of some kind.

In record time Sam was loaded up onto a gurney and pushed away as the sponsors tended to him. She found herself following even if she knew that she'd come to regret it later.

Sam was babbling incoherently as his body convulsed a few times before they reached the infirmary and the door was closed in her face.

Finding a vacant chair outside the door Andy sat down and waited.

It was now close to lunch time, but her nerves had pushed away any longing her stomach had for food.

Two new people had arrived at the infirmary and had gone inside beyond the boundary of closed doors set for her. And like magic, Noelle arrived and took the seat next to Andy.

"You okay?" She asked in a small voice as though she didn't really want Andy to answer truthfully.

"Fine." Andy managed, her hands running up and down her thighs.

"You're a trouble magnet." Noelle suddenly blurted and turned to face Andy wearing a rather huge smile to indicate that she didn't mean the comment as an insult.

Andy didn't say anything, just kept glancing between Noelle and the closed door.

Noelle stood up and headed for the door, it blocking her from Andy's view when she stepped in behind it.

It wasn't long before she was back and looking better than she had when she went into the infirmary.

"He's okay." Noelle said warmly.

"Is he?" Andy found herself asking as if issuing a challenge to that statement.

"He will be Andrea, he's just having a tough time."

She understood that Noelle couldn't really say anymore with the whole private and confidential clauses that they had going on here, but still Andy wasn't totally naive.

"He's detoxing isn't he." She stated it because it was a fact.

Noelle kept a close eye on Andy as she stated what she had so eagerly observed. Her Dad was a Detective so she wasn't totally in the dark about the harsher side of life.

Noelle nodded, she wasn't giving away private information, she was confirming suspicions really. One of the many loopholes that there was in any Oath. Besides, it was for the best that Andrea knew what her new friend had going on in his life. It would settle her own nerves; something that could be detrimental to her own recovery of left unattended too.

"Withdrawal." Andy said and Noelle noticed that the word seemed to strike a cord somewhere deep in Andy. It most likely stemmed from her past and was behind the many reasons that Andy was here.

However, Drug abuse was not one of those reasons.

"How much do you know about it?" Noelle repositioned herself in the chair beside Andrea as she showed signs of being torn between leaving and staying.

"Enough." Andy answered, her voice sounding small and lost even to her own ears.

"I can't stay..." She mumbled and sped off as soon as she made it to her feet.

Noelle pulled Andrea's file as soon as she had the chance. Each sponsor as they were known was given between three and five patients to care for as part of their transition to a better life.

Noelle had three, Andrea, Gail and Chloe. She had a new one arriving on Monday and Gail was almost ready to leave. She had one last hurdle to get over and she'd be well on her way to never returning.

It was sad to say goodbye to someone that in some ways you had become close too, but yet it was such a blessing that you were part of healing a tortured soul when they never returned.

Unless... Noelle pushed the harsh thought from her mind. She didn't like to think of her admitee's succumbing to their addictions and dying as an explanation for them not returning.

Setting the file down on her desk she poured herself a cup of coffee and pulled up a chair before flipping the cover and emerging herself in the reports.

Andrea McNally, age 23.

Local girl.

Dad a cop at Fifteen Division- no mention of the mother.

No siblings and a Traci Nash listed as the second emergency contact after her Father.

No history of drug abuse, but had a tendency to drink- excessively in the opinion of others.

Graduated high school second in her class, cheerleader, athlete, perfect all rounder.

Noelle was becoming frustrated as she searched for information that wasn't there because she simply knew that there was more to Andrea than what met the eye.

She had been in good health until two years ago, when it seemed that all her reports changed from good to bad.

Reading through pages and pages Noelle was no closer to the truth until she was nearly through Andrea's file and completely through her coffee.

Widowed at the age of 22, and hospitalized before that on two separate occasions for the same reason that she was here- anorexia.

Oh, and there had been three suicidal moments in her life, but the anorexia had been behind two of her hospital stays, along with one of the suicide attempts.

Widowed.

Widowed- that was it, that was the sadness behind her eyes and the weight holding her down.

Andrea had been married for just over a year when her husband passed away. Details on that were sketchy and less than minimal, with only one mention of it in her file. The file was predominantly her medical history.

It was insane that something like that could happen to someone so young, but Noelle often found the world a cruel place.

Closing the file Noelle closed her eyes for a moment as she swept the sad thoughts from her mind and shoved the pity she felt under an invisible rug.

If the patients felt that you pitied them, it hampered their recovery so no matter what; you had to keep that away from them at all costs.

Andy found Chloe in their room applying makeup and remembered her cast away book.

"I, Um, lost your book. I'm sorry." Andy said avoiding eye contact. She knew that lying wasn't her strongest forte and she was lying because she knew exactly where Chloe's book was, or at least where she had left it. She just didn't feel like going to get it right now.

"You're first week right?" Chloe ignored the conversation about her book and changed the subject completely.

Andy nodded and a depressing expression crossed Chloe's face. She looked somewhat disappointed.

"What?" Andy asked knowing that she was missing something. Chloe had been here who knows how much longer than Andy had so it was logical that she knew more.

"It's visiting day."

And there it was, the thing that set them apart. Today was visiting day which meant that Chloe would undoubtedly get visitors while Andy wouldn't be allowed any contact with the outside world until she'd graduated past week three.

That was still two weeks and a few days away.

She let out a light groan. She missed her Dad, the conversations they had everyday.

She missed Traci too, missed knowing that she could just reach out and Traci would be there.

"That's good." Andy said and turned away from Chloe's probing eyes.

Just because she was having a bad day, didn't mean she had to spoil it for Chloe.

*****Thanks for reading!**

**Hope you'll let me know who's still here & who wants more? Or even just say hi!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


	7. Storytelling

**Hello again!**

**Thank you all for sharing you're awesome thoughts in reviews!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the Facebook fan pages! **

**Chapter 7- Storytelling. **

Andy knew that she was probably breaking more than one rule right now as she slipped down the hall as quietly as she could.

Everyone that was expecting visitors had disappeared to wherever it was that they met their loved ones so, Andy took a causal stroll that turned into stalking tendencies of her own.

Over the last few hours Sam had been a constant thorn in her brain and in aid of pacifying herself she went to check up on him even if it meant getting herself into trouble.

Pulling the infirmary door handle she tugged it open and was soon inside the first door and then the second.

The curtains were drawn closed around the second bed, the soft sound of breathing filling the air.

Letting her hand pry the edge of the curtain away from the other so that it created a slit to peek through Andy narrowed her eyes as a voice spoke "Come in."

It was hushed and startled her but soon she relaxed when she saw who she assumed was Sam's sponsor or whatever he was sitting beside the bed.

"Took you long enough. I need coffee, names Jerry. Don't touch anything." He looked between Sam and her and then tugged on the edge of the curtain to create a gap big enough to walk through.

"Sponge him if it looks like he needs it." He said one last sentence before leaving her there.

Andy felt like her chest was experiencing severe pressure as she looked at Sam who was wearing an expression of pure pain.

He had two IV's connected to a single tube and one was for nausea, or so she thought, and the other the standard saline solution used to feed the human body.

It was really a healthy cocktail of vitamins, nutrients and plenty of good old H20, but it was good enough to cure and strengthen.

Sam groaned, unpleasantly and Andy had to look away for a moment as she had tears in her eyes from past experiences so similar to this.

It wasn't fair.

People like Sam waisted their lives while good, honest, caring people like Luke had theirs taken for no reason at all.

Andy shuddered at the thought of the name, it had been forever since she'd said it and even longer since she thought it because she wouldn't allow herself too.

Sam groaned again, his head tilting awkwardly to the side as he tried to curl into an even tighter ball than he was already in, Andy's feelings towards him now including pity and sympathy even though she didn't want to give it to him.

Remembering Jerry's advice, or his request, she stepped closer and found a bowl with a little water and a few ice cubes in it. Hanging over the side was a damp face cloth.

She dipped the face cloth into the freezing water and rung it out before moving her hand hesitantly towards a forehead covered frown lines.

With her hand hovering over his brow, Andy held her breath and inched it the final few millimeters to where it met his forehead and he seemed to immediately take in the coolness and visibly relaxed.

Slowly drawing the cloth across his skin Andy tried to focus on the present rather than the past and entertained thoughts of who'd be here to see Chloe, and Gail, and even Sam.

Feeling the cloth dry out Andy removed it and dipped it into the water before moving it back towards Sam.

Her movements came to an abrupt halt when fingers closed around her wrist and applied the smallest amount of pressure to her still sensitive wound.

She hissed and immediately dropped the cloth.

Sam let go of her, his eyes widening as if he had realized what he had unintentionally done.

"I'm sorry." He croaked it out as Andy took a step back and her other hand wrapped around the one that now had sparks crawling up it.

"It's okay." Andy said trying to sound confident and stable. She knew that she sounded hesitant and edgy instead.

"I should..." Andy nudged towards the door, Sam looking slightly pasty in complexion as he glanced around the room.

"You're in the infirmary." Andy moved back towards him as he began to shake, his hand drawing patterns in the air involuntarily.

"Take a deep breath." Andy stammered when she saw him clench his jaw. He was trying not to let it show, but the cramps had intensified and were really getting to him.

Andy picked the cloth up from where it lay on the bed and rinsed it off in the cold water before holding it out to him this time. He tried to smirk but another round of relentless heat seared through his body.

"Once, when I was seven or eight my Dad took me to the Zoo." Andy began rambling and she got his attention because he arched an eyebrow at her as if to say _'Just once?'_

"We were walking around for hours and had cotton candy and soda and ice cream."

Andy felt herself smile- it was one of her favorite childhood memories.

"We went to the Gorilla enclosures and I kept asking my Dad where the race cars were because it sounded like a racetrack with the cars flying round it. And when we got close to the cage I saw that the Gorilla's were actually making the sounds."

Sam still had his attention focused on her although he was taking strain and concentrating intently to keep it there.

"So, my Dad says _'Stand next to the cage for a Photograph,'_ so I walk over and this huge, hairy hand reaches out and pulls Bunny Ears behind my head just as my Dad took the picture." Andy finished off in a giggle. It was obvious that the Gorilla's were a popular photo attraction for the Zoo visitors and someone had thought it amusing to teach the Gorilla's to pull bunny ears when they saw cameras.

"This woman starts screaming and pulls me away from the cage thinking that it wanted to grab me by the ponytail," Andy added.

Sam seemed to be more focused on her now. He was about to receive a temporary lapse in the withdrawal symptoms. How long that would last would depend entirely on himself and his body as well as his dependency on the drugs.

"Once, we went to a Carnival and my Dad lost me." Andy mumbled but decided against rattling off any more personal information to someone that she knew nothing about.

"Stay." Sam mumbled but Andy heard it even if it was just barely.

She dragged the newly vacated chair a little closer to the side of the bed and sat down.

"So, there I was running around alone for a while when a clown noticed me and took me to see the next shown in the arena. He was so nice, took me all the way into the arena and gave me a chair to sit on. He came back a few minutes later with a Lion on a leash."

Sam's lips made the smallest attempt to curve up at the corners and so Andy continued knowing that Sam would eventually fall asleep for a while and she'd be able to slip out.

"What are you doing Andrea?" Noelle's voice cut through the silence.

She had come into the infirmary in stealth-mode so Andy hadn't even noticed her presence until she spoke.

Andy stood up and held her finger to her lips before motioning to Sam who had now been asleep for about and hour and a half.

Noelle followed Andy out into the small space between the inner and outer doors when Andy received a very disapproving look to say the least.

"I asked her to stay." Jerry emerged from beyond the first door, Noelle now scowling at him.

"Have you gone insane?" Noelle bit out in a whisper.

"No, and here, I bought coffee." Jerry held the second cup that he was holding out to Noelle and gave her a smile. The guy was certainly a charmer. The coffee was probably for Sam, but Jerry was using it as a bribe to keep Noelle happy.

"She can't be in here Jerry." Noelle reprimanded him again.

"We're short okay, and I had to check on my admissions. Was I supposed to leave him alone?"

"He woke up didn't he?" Jerry addressed her this time and Andy nodded.

"We're all spread thin Jer, but she's not allowed in here alone. What if something happened?"

"It didn't. She would have called if something did, right?" Andy nodded again as Jerry passed her and went to check on Sam.

Noelle turned to her and gave her a look that crapped her out so badly, without saying a single word.

Jerry was back, his head sticking out the slightly open door.

"He's awake and asking for her." He looked smugly at Noelle.

"No way, not happening." Noelle put a hand on Andy's shoulder to guide her towards the other door but Andy felt herself shrug it off before they reached it.

"It's okay, I'm fine." This time her voice was strong and assertive.

Andy took a step towards Jerry and stopped. She looked at Noelle "Andy."

"What?" Noelle wasn't on the same page when Andy uttered her own name.

"I prefer Andy." It got a smile from the older woman.

"If you two get caught, you're on your own." Noelle said saluting Jerry with the coffee she had taken from him when he passed.

Jerry held the door open for Andy and nodded at Noelle. He knew that she'd keep an eye on his three admissions. Hell, she'd had eleven at one time, so she'd be okay with the five she had now while he watched the two here.

Andy found her way back to Sam's bedside as he trembled like a leaf in the wind. He was a slight shade of green, so he wasn't feeling as great as he had been a few minutes ago while wrapped in slumber where he looked peaceful and content.

He mumbled something and she looked to Jerry for permission. He shrugged because he had no idea of what had transpired in this room since he left.

"I had a cat named Socks. She had two black paws with this thick white fur everywhere else." Andy did what she did best and began rambling. It seemed to ease Sam's mind from his own dire situation as she kept his mind busy with her own words.

Andy talked and talked, for ages and ages, Sam going through coherent moments and less coherent moments.

He tried to drink some water and ended up feeling sick, so he abandoned that after the first attempt.

Andy told story after story, some of them eventually following the plots of movies just so that she could keep talking after she ran out of things to say and tell.

Although, that was kind of a first for her, she managed to scrounge up enough to keep it going until Sam found another peaceful moment and dozed off again sometime later.

Looking over to Jerry, Andy found him asleep too with his feet up on a upside down trash can. He'd been quiet the entire time that he was here, but Andy didn't mind. She had the natural nature to talk.

She was tired too, she really had no idea how long they'd been in here.

Getting comfortable, Andy's eyes grew heavy and she too succumbed to the fatigue that had been threatening to claim her for sometime.

Hushed voices drew her hearing from far to near, her head snapping up as she found Doctor Nick and Doctor Phillipou both paying close attention to her leaning over Sam's bed, Sam in the bed and Jerry in the chair.

"Care to explain Miss McNally?" Doctor Phillipou's voice was razor sharp and icy-cold.

She was in way more crap right now than she had seen coming.

******* Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jbj. **


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